Borderline Personality Disorder

 Borderline Personality Disorder 

This disorder is difficult. Everyday is a battle in your head. Fighting your emotions, reminding yourself that you are good enough and your friends don't hate you!

One wrong word, one look, anything that feels like rejection, is rejection. Then you obsess about it. You pick things apart. It is a war zone in your own mind. Trying to control everything in your head is pain staking. Exhausting.

You want to be alone but you don't want to be lonely. When you do make a connection, you attach yourself. You obsess because that is what you do. No calls, no messages, no meetings = rejection! It doesn't matter the reason. You become overbearing, annoying. Bad enough that you push people away. Then you are alone!

How many people are standing on the bridges you burn?

Some days it feels like you don't have a heart. Other days it feels like it is going to explode out of your chest.

Some days suck, some days are great but you never know what each day holds. You never know who you will be in the morning.

Always exhausted but never able to sleep. There is no end. This disorder is a prison and learning to live with it is the only way to survive it.

#ShubhHumTalks "Photon on a recliner"

How to stop worrying?

How to stop worrying? 

#ReCreatingViews

Know one thing – one day you are going to go under the ground. You will be finished. Everybody else will also be finished. What are you worried about? You are worried about money? You are worried about somebody’s opinion? You are worried about prestige? You are worried about your health? There are four things that people worry about –Money, Relationship, Prestige and Health! All of them is going to go away one day. Then why worry.

See life from a bigger context. Ten years ago, didn’t you worry? You are still alive. Five years ago, didn’t you worry? You are still alive. Three years back you worried. This worrying did not do anything to you. You only created more toxins in your body. Life anyway goes on.

 Life is a balance between free will and destiny. How many of you have this question about free will and destiny? Is life all destined or is it all free will? I tell you, life is a combination of both free will and destiny. Your height is your destiny but your weight is your freewill.

You can’t say this my destiny is to weigh 100 kilos. I will tell you to get on to the treadmill. And don’t eat those burgers. So, your weight is your free will and your height is your destiny. 

Similarly, it’s raining is destiny, whether to get wet or not is your free will.

#PhotonOnARecliner #ShubhHumTalks

Loneliness

Oh! Loneliness

unlike any other day

you fill me with a sweet chaos

showing me a new way

to the destiny

I ought to reach

to the destiny

I wanted in which

I'm all alone

with my companion

lost in her eyes

in ecstacy of oblivion

My love,

in vain, Finding the words

to reach the heights of your beauty

the rain, of light from those splendors

enlightens me of you, O' my deity

I dream about the end

I lost the way

take my hand my friend

don't let me go astray

it's a prison I live in

every bar is your thought

why would I break in

to the world which is but nought

you, I want

bear your agony, I can't

even if my silence is what it takes

to keep you safe and aloof

with all vitality of a drowning man

i'll fight and cry with myself

forgive me if for any reason

I disclose this and loose your faith

this is treachery, this is treason

this is also my one last breath

SHUBHAM

Love Dualism

Ashamed I am of the latest event
and it feels like I got bitten by a serpent

It tells me my love was ne'er love
and that avidity was way above
My heart is torn to pieces
and the pain only increases

Of all these years of penance
I can feel the sheer absence
of what I had set out to achieve
to finally experience blissful peace

Aware I am now of my failure
saw it all in my life's trailer
The strength and the courage
got bogged down by that baggage

Took ample pride in who I made me.
Factors played their role, I now agree.

My heart now yearns for that path
penance commences: tell it not in Gath.

Habits changed the way I wanted,
I did complete what I started.

It took me to unexplored meadows,
The need for climbing virgin peaks arose.

Realized my purpose was still incomplete,
Smiled and said I will live free.

In a flurry of commotion,
of that unpleasant yet romantic realization,
the lump of air, I couldn't swallow.
my heart screamed, I couldn't follow.

Wise did it make me yet again
taught me to embrace that pain,
to work with me ,
set myself free,
wake me up from my slumber,
taste life, no wonder.and it feels like I got bitten by a serpent

It tells me my love was ne'er love
and that avidity was way above
My heart is torn to pieces
and the pain only increases

Of all these years of penance
I can feel the sheer absence
of what I had set out to achieve
to finally experience blissful peace

Aware I am now of my failure
saw it all in my life's trailer
The strength and the courage
got bogged down by that baggage

Took ample pride in who I made me.
Factors played their role, I now agree.

My heart now yearns for that path
penance commences: tell it not in Gath.


Habits changed the way I wanted,
I did complete what I started.

It took me to unexplored meadows,
The need for climbing virgin peaks arose.

Realized my purpose was still incomplete,
Smiled and said I will live free.

In a flurry of commotion,
of that unpleasant yet romantic realization,
the lump of air, I couldn't swallow.
my heart screamed, I couldn't follow.

Wise did it make me yet again
taught me to embrace that pain,
to work with me ,
set myself free,
wake me up from my slumber,
taste life, no wonder.

My Reflections

I wish there was a mirror,

Which told me how I felt

Which showed me my true self

But then I am afraid

That if I knew what I was

Would I still love myself?


Mirrors are traders,

They give you what you give them..

Neither less, nor more

But of some things m still unsure

Wht if …..the mirror doesn’t reflect the truth ?

Wht if ….its a shrewd trickster,

Swindling around with our images?

Coz what I see in the mirror is not me, I know

And what I really am, I still hesitate to show….


I wonder whether I will find a true mirror,

Reflecting ME,

Echoing MY voice…

Though harsh, but so true,

Though aching, but still so sweet,

Coz mirror is reflection of pretence, not thoughts

It is so untrue and false,

It deceives me throughout my life,

Gets me back to the start…

to go around again!


I blind myself to my own thirst….

I starve my soul,

Bind my flight,

Curb my voice,

Mould my image,

To fit that mirror,

Oh! That limiting mirror…

Unaware of my potential,

Ignorant of my choices……


If it’s just that mirror which hold me back

I refuse to gaze in it

I reject the need of its approval

Coz I know that it’s too shallow to gauge my depth

And I pity those who spend their whole life framed in that mirror….

Oh! That limiting mirror…..

Own Life

One step low, one step high..

I am still where I was as time slips by…

People come, people go ..

I still don’t know who I really know…

Is it love?? or is it hate ..

Can I figure it out before it’s too late????

I am blamed that I have changed…

Why shouldn’t I; when all the others do the same….

For I am the master ..

But still my own slave….

I live my own life….

to go down my own grave…

For once I realize the crux of life …….

And the very next; I do forget …

That life is a function of time and luck ,

And I still don’t know which flowers to pluck…

Win the "Losing"

Winning or losing
Whatever it may
I never ever thought of this
Winning is like reaching the destination...
Losing is akin to bumpy rides on a journey full of self motivation...

Winning ends with destination but Losing means endless destinations.

Burning is an end for the people who decide to win...For failures burns are just lessons from the past. Failure makes man out of mice because nothing is going to hurt you till it takes your life!
Know this truth for it is for you the truth seeker.

Destination will always remain there
Forever

Poetry Inside

Whatever you have inside
Take it out
Untill
A poem doesn't form

Because
Poetry is within you

Do not connect outside
The way in which others do

Going
In your inner
That-there on the side by

Do not turn
And
Do not recognize

These two-to-two
Unknowing
So of your poem

Your songs
Ebullient
Will spread somewhere else
Does not bloom
In those barges
Where without blinking

Nothing happens

Goes right
Her name
Is the time

Time is big
He will only write
A book on you


When you
Are at the corner
Think of you

Will do
With you what you want
Mutual one
Like magic
Spreading on the wall

Milenge

Musafir hai hum bhi
Musafir ho tum bhi
Phir kahin to hogi
Mulakat bhi

Na kisi kauf hoga
Na kisi se wasta

Tanhio me biti teri yaad hogi
Teri wo masoom si muskaan bhi hogi
Mukkammal  sapno ki raat hogi
Lamba intezaar tha to barsaat bhi hogi

Bechain hum bhi the
Bechain tum bhi ho

Aaj to aansuon se shuruat hogi
Bahte chalenge inme sath tumare
Har pal rahenge pass tumare

I have it all

I have it all. Buried deep under my skin.
Too much. Too little.
From long ago.
- How much -
do you want ?

I have it all. Bubbling, burbling, murmuring
in the spaces of my mind
Too wide. Too narrow
From time to time
- How much -
can you hold?

I have it all. Foaming, spuming, sparkling
in my soul
Too eternal. Too ephemeral
From the beginning
- How much -
can you absorb?

I have it all.I have it in my heart.The bloodstreams dumping blood, pouring in all.
Too broad.Too thin.
-How much-
can you draw?

I have it all.I have in my mind dreams for all.Sometimes through the meadows,sometimes through the wall.
Too big.Too small.
-How much-
can you hold?

I have it all.People mumbling their stories and I absorb them all.I absorb those stories and I'm going to absorb them all.
Too long.Too short.
-How much-
do you want?

Within you
In your soul